Friday, September 14, 2007

Left Overs...

I wasn't sure if I should include any more of my old (now very old!) diary entries from when I backpacked around vast swathes of the earth some 13 - 14 years ago. I decided that anyone reading it would get bored with my yesteryear pretty soon but thought I'd include just one more entry as a post here.

This entry was my last of the whole 2 years of backpacking. It had been a long, eventful trip and I wouldn't have changed a moment of it back then. Now? I wish I'd taken more pictures, kept in touch with all of those amazing people I met and really, REALLY made sure that I treasured every second of it. Of course now I look back, all of those seconds I can remember are but only a fraction of the whole, so I value them greatly.
By the time I wrote this entry I'd changed as a person. I realised that I valued my friends more, how much I really missed my family but not my home and that I just couldn't believe I'd ever been swayed by peer pressure, by the end of my trip it was all my show, my life and I'd already decided what changes needed to be made in order for me to begin to enjoy it as someone being honest with himself.

So. Here it is. It's kinda dull but it ends the story.


"Hello diary. It's been a few weeks. All I've used you for is to lean on to write letters. I'll make amends.

I honestly do like Hong Kong. It's such a vibrant, interesting place. It makes my head spin and fills me with excitement when I'm out and about. In lots of ways I'm sorted here. I now have my HK resident's card, I have a job and I have somewhere to live. Shih and Shih are great guys to live with but I rarely see them, they work such long hours. Sai Kung is lovely too. It's pretty and people are friendly, considering I'm one of the few gweilos in the place. It's a long haul into Central tho and the cash I spend getting to and from work and then on rent takes up most of what I get paid. I wish I'd taken that step and just gone to Chungking Mansions like all the other backpackers. I'd have met more people that way. It was so kind of Shih to take me in and it would have been fine if Jo had made it here. Jane said she'd fly out too but not sure if she actually means it.

I'm lonely here. I don't seem to have made friends like I did everywhere else. Sometimes I go to Central to walk around or go to the peak to write my letters just so I'm where there are lots of people. I've found myself eagerly volunteering to take photos for people so that I get to talk to them. That sounds so weedy but it's true! I s'pose I speak to people at work but as I'm the only person there, it's just customers but everyone's in such a rush here they barely say two words.

I've been thinking about home a lot lately. I don't really miss it. Not sure if I should feel bad about that or not. I've never been the kind of person to get homesick so I suppose that's why. I do miss mum and dad though. Pete and Martin have written a fair bit. Mark never writes - for some reason he seemed annoyed when I left and two years later I haven't found out why, nor has he replied to letters. Wierd as Bev has replied and they were supposed to have moved in together by now.


...oops. I left writing this a couple of days ago as I needed to meet Shih. Things have changed a lot in such a short time.

I guess I'll find out why Mark hasn't written fairly soon as I've decided that I'm going home. I had a bit of a fiasco at STA as they told me my whole return ticket was only worth £60 and I'd have to pay more for my flight back. I don't understand how it all works and the lady in the shop didn't really know why either. I had to put it on my credit card. The woman at STA suggested I contact head office when I get back. I've got a flight anyway and I'm due to arrive home on mum's birthday which is a good present, I reckon. I'm flying on Virgin Airways, a new airline for me - they've got TV's in every seat! I could do with a bit of telly - it's been ages.

I'm looking forward to going home now. Only 2 days to go. It's hot and sticky here and I feel as if I haven't seen proper seasons for such a long time. I can't wait to see some non-tropical trees that will lose their leaves in a few weeks. What a nerd. Mum and dad seem really pleased. I haven't seen them for nearly 2 years. Wonder if they'll think I've changed. I wonder if they have!

I'm going out for dinner with Shih, Shih, King and the christian girls tomorrow to say goodbye. The girls tried to persuade me to stay. They're lovely and Shih P says that they all desperate for me to ask one of them out. He also laughed and said that they hope I'll go to church with them and join their social club. Small panic about that. The last thing I need is someone to try and convert me to a die-hard church-goer. They'd freak if they knew what was going on inside my head. They haven't seen Shih working out in the spare room like I have. Perhaps another reason why it's best I left. I'm not sure I can carry on with my act any more, not whilst he's parading around with very little on apart from sweat covering a billion muscles.


So. Homeward bound. I'll write more tomorrow and then I reckon one more post when I get home to finish it all off."

I never did finish it off. Shih and Shih gave me a watch as a leaving present - I nearly blubbed. My intentions of writing a final homecoming entry were never carried out. I was excited to get home, it was great to see my parents, brother and friends again. I arrived home early on a Saturday morning. I picked up my diary on Monday morning to complete my account of my journey. I couldn't write anything. It hit me that I'd made a massive mistake. I couldn't believe I was home and that I'd now need to find a job, pick up my old life with my old friends and carry on as if nothing had happened. I cried for hours. It's a good job everyone else was out at work.


Fortunately for me, by then my passion for travel had become hard-wired into my brain. After a couple of days moping I realised that any career ambitions I may have had were no longer relevant. I didn't care about work. I just wanted more travel. My flight home had given me an idea. I needed to be able to combine the two things. I decided that home couldn't live up to where I'd been and the only place in the UK that could, would be London. It was also the place that I knew I'd feel safest and have more opportunities for... well... for everything I'd need as a gay man.

Oddly enough, my Virgin flight spurred me into a career in travel but it was quite a few years later before I actually considered that it might be a good company to work for. It is. Now I do.

These days I travel all of the time, often for work, all of the time for pleasure. I'm truly content.

10 comments:

Scott in Iowa said...

Darth,
What a touching and so non-boring post! How fascinating to see a small segment of your life before coming out to anyone and seeing the start of something that is such a large part of your life now, many years later.

Matt said...

Funny, I've read these diary posts and it reminds me of a diary I kept when I first travelled to Europe just out of high school. I have it still, somewhere.

I didn't travel NEARLY as long as you, but when I read your reaction to going home, I could feel that regret. This wasn't a vacation for you, where you're glad to get home to normalcy - this was actually your entire life for that long.

So glad that you now can combine your loves. I'm envious.

T said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
T said...

WOW - I am so jealous that you got to backpack for 2 full years : and your self realisation and insight is amazing.

To say you are 'truly content' must be the most satisfying of experiences :)

... but I am amazed it took you 13 years to come out to your parents ! Surely they or your brothers twigged before hand ??

Muzbot said...

Far from boring... I love your writing and would love to read more sometime, so if you're ever stuck for a post, just pick a random page and blog it! :)

So did you ever find out why Mark never wrote back?

Tales of the City said...

And readers, he got what he wished for! I too loved reading it..

Darth Gateau said...

Mark never wrote back because he thought I was having an affair with his girlfriend, Bev, before I left. Hilarious irony!

Darth Gateau said...

wonder if anyone can help?!
My blog seems to have converted to Germn and it's getting on my nerves. I've checked all the settings which show English UK but all of the bits on my dashboard and my blog profile are in German. It's driving me mad. Any suggestions - apart from taking a crash course in a new language?

Guy In London said...

The German thing sometimes happens when I use my work laptop on a wireless network (in certain cafes or hotels) - plug it in at home/the office and blogger resets itself to English.

R U using a different PC/Laptop/network connection?

Darth Gateau said...

nope using the same connection and pc that I always have.